Up in the clouds
Once there was a man called Tim and he wanted to be famous and rich but he couldn't get a job. One day he saw a tall skyscraper and he wanted to climb it since he didn’t have a job or anything. But when he almost went in he saw a big man standing there, Tim tried to get passed him but the big man saw him and grabbed him and he said “what are you doing trying to get in my building” but Tim was just looking at him. The boss (Mr Beard) just threw him away and walked in. Tim was mad so he busted in and climbed to the top Mr Beard was really mad because Tim broke the doors and those doors were like $1000 dollars. When Tim got to the top he saw a rope and an unstable plank but Tim didn’t see the caution sign he just walked out and grabbed the rope and walked across the plank but as soon as he walked the planks started to wobble but he didn’t care he just kept walking. Then he started to lose oxygen and he looked back and he couldn’t see because it was too foggy. Then the boards broke and he fell down. Tim didn’t realise that he was 2000 feet off ground. He just fell all the way but suddenly he was just floating there and then he saw Mr Beard, Mr beard looked angry because Tim broke his door and you know they were like $1000 dollars but Tim suddenly realised that Mr Beard caught him and Tim didn’t actually fall he was caught. Then for no reason Mr Beard gave him heaps of money Then Mr Beard said here have this and live your happy life. Then Tim and Mr Beard became best friends.
The End
By Elisa
What a fine day, Elisa! Your story is very creatuve and great, even though there are a few things to correct. I ran out of breathe when there were not some commas and full stops, and you kind of repeated some things twice. Maybe you can make it less funnier and more serious and thrilling? But it was an imaganative story with creative details!
ReplyDeleteHi Elisa! I like the idea of your story and the character names. A similarity in our stories is maybe that in the stories someone saves another person. But in a few areas there weren't many full stops. Also I got a little confused in some places like when Mr.Beard gave Tim heaps of money even though he was angry at him. Hope you take this into consideration. Bye!
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